Alone
by DoctheWriter
Summary: Buffy's reflection of her life as the Slayer (Buffy POV) AN: for those of you who didn't like the format, I redid it and rewrote some things


Title: Alone

Author: Doc Alone@eternal.ws

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Joss, Mutant Enemy, and FOX own them

Dedication: To Joss. I know this sounds really crazy, but I dedicate this to him for making Buffy be a child in a single parent family. So, its also dedicated to everyone who is in a single parent family, and who has every lost anyone close to them, or had to move away from their friends….Just to everyone

WARNING: Angsty

The air is hot and sticky. I can't believe it's been almost 2 years since he left. Riley was right to leave. I can't believe I even let Xander talk me into going after him. I don't love him. Never did. I think deep down he knew that I never fully gave myself to him. I always felt like I was killing him slowly each day. God, I think even pretending to care and love him was just rubbing it in his face the fact that I was still in love with *Him*. 

I begin to smell salt and realize that I've made it all the way down to the beach. I was supposed to do a quick sweep and then meet back at the magic shop. Giles will worry, but he'll get over it. 

Have you ever just taken a step back from your life and thought "God, what a mess."? I've been doing that a lot lately. I'm the oldest child in a single parent family, with a sister who isn't real, no mother as of recently, a destiny that's going to get her killed, an ex who is undead, another ex who's now fighting demons in the ever lovin' jungle, the greatest friends in the world, and a father who doesn't give a damn about either of his daughters. 

And then there's Giles. The father figure who won't quit. The sweetest man I have ever met, and the most devoted. He treats the gang and me like his children. Hell, he even took Dawn under his wing, even when he found out the truth about her. 

Having a single parent isn't that bad, but what hurts the most is that dad doesn't care. When him and mom split, he didn't come to anything. Well, it wasn't really a surprise seeing as how when they were together he never even came to one game to see me cheer. He was always involved with working, or going to some kind of cocktail party. Mom always made time to come to a couple of games and cheer the team on even though she despised sports and thought they were pointless. I know in my heart that she truly loves...loved me unconditionally. She would have died for me if it came down to it. 

My life is a joke. It's as simple as that. Being the Slayer, now that's something to write home about. I never thought that on occasions I would crave death the way I do. Sometimes, when the vamps get a little close, I just wish I could let them go all the way, and just end it all. It would be so much easier, but only for me. When I have those thoughts, I think about Dawnie, and mom, and Xander and Willow. I think about how much I would be missed, and I'm afraid of what Angel would do. Sometimes, when I think about what he would do, I wish something would happen to me so that he would realize how much I am a part of him and how much he would miss me if I were gone forever and not just a couple of hours away. 

I pause for a moment and think back to better times of post-patrol naps and kisses stolen in the night. I sigh to myself. I know that he misses me, but its different when he knows I'm still around and kicking ass. If I were gone, would he know the second I took my last breath and my heart beat for the last time? Are we still connected in that special way that we use to be? I wonder if I can still tell when he's near. I remember last year at Thanksgiving when I got to his building, it was like all the air had been knocked out of me, and I knew that he was there. 

I miss him. I don't just miss seeing him every day, or miss him the way you miss someone when they move away. I miss him with every inch of my being. Being away from him makes me physically, mentally, and emotionally hurt. I think if I wasn't the Slayer, I might not be here right now. It's hard to loose a part of your soul and heart at the same time. It feels like someone is stabbing you over and over again, only you're not dying, you're just watching the enjoyment they're getting out of ripping you apart. I stop, stop everything, and cry out to him with my soul and my heart...all of me. I wonder if my cries will reach him in time for him to know how much I need him. 

I know that Angel didn't want to hurt me when he left, but he hurt me more than words can tell. I told Willow that I couldn't breathe, and really, it was like, everything around me was moving in slow motion, anticipating him not being around for me to see and touch and kiss and hold and love and just be with. I think in the beginning I always knew that with my being the Slayer and him being the object of my slaying affection, things weren't going to work out. But everything in my being was screaming that things would be different for us that things were going to work. Guess my being was wrong. 

This friggin destiny of mine has screwed more things over in my life than I like to think about. Yeah, I get it already. I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to focus on saving the world to make it safe for normal people to have happy lives, but I'm not allowed happiness. I'm doomed to fight vampires, demons, hell bitches, big ugly snakes, and school until the day I die. Not to mention that I have half the life expectancy of a normal girl. It's not fair, I think as I pick up a stone lying misplaced on the beach and toss it out into the vast ocean. Vast. Vast like the black whole of my 'duty' that has been sucking me into it ever since I found out about this stupid gig. Why do I have to carry the burden of keeping the world, my family, my friends, my sister, the key, and puppies safe when it means sacrificing the people I love most or hell, even my own life? 

It's getting close to sundown and I've got to get back to the magic shop. We're going after Glory tonight and I'm going to get my sister back. It doesn't matter how much I curse my existence as the Slayer. I know, deep down, that the Slayer is who I am. 

In two hours he'll officially be gone for 2 years. I wish he were here with me now to help me send this hell bitch back to where she came from. Then again, I just wish I knew if I was going to live to see tomorrow and *him* again. Guess only time will tell. 

Feedback……….


End file.
